My bf and his wife are supposedly in a Dead Bedroom situation for a long time now, but they regularly go for vacations.

My bf and his wife are supposedly in a Dead Bedroom situation for a long time now, but they regularly go for vacations. I got involved with him about 1.5yrs back, started as a rebound for my failing relationship with my ex. But we fell in love. We live in two states, he comes to visit me whenever he can. I knew I'm fricked when I started having real feelings for him. But it happened. We talk to each other daily. We both look forward to our call. I got divorced a month back (reasons not related to this).

Italy is my favorite destination. A romantic getaway to Italy is like my dream. He know that. So when I heard about their trip last month, my heart sank. Is it normal to feel this much pain. How do I handle this? He said he has been contemplating divorce for a long time now. But he's the one who did all the planning, managed all the hassle with the visa process for this trip. Do you plan such an intimate getaway when you are planning for a divorce soon?
People who went through similar stuff... Is it better to go no-contact during his vacation? Or should I keep my cool and stay in contact receiving his selfies and picturesque photos while slowly dying inside? I don't want to ruin their vacation by being a bum.

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  1. 8 months ago
    Anonymous

    wait wait, you're dating a married dude? Does she know? Is this some sort of poly situation?
    Is he just cheating on her with you?
    I'll put this simply, if he's cheating on her, he WILL cheat on you.
    His marriage with her is never going to work out because he's cheating, but he's going to secretly resent you for being "the reason" his marriage failed, even if that's not the case.
    This may be a last ditch effort to try and rekindle the passion of their marriage, and he's using your recommendation to transfer to her, but honestly italy is a pretty bog standard "exotic" vacation for a lot of americans so I wouldn't put too much thought into that directly correlating to you telling him it's a dream vacation.

    What a weird situation. Sorry you're in it but you deserve better than to be someone's second choice, dude. Try to find someone who wants you now, not on the condition of a frickin failed marriage.

    • 8 months ago
      Anonymous

      I'm hoping he'll leave his wife for me. He told me early on that he didn't see much of a future for himself if he stayed in his marriage.

      • 8 months ago
        Anonymous

        I will say this as someone who has done exactly this to a girl:
        He is lying. You are his second choice, if it's even a "choice" at all and he doesn't just want to keep you and his wife on tap. Are you sure they even actually have a dead bedroom? Is it not simply pity so you feel more empowered and in control by being a provider in a way she isn't? That's pretty low grade manipulation I've partaken in a few times.
        Has he ever said that he "Just doesn't know how to tell her" before? Or maybe "You're the one, I just need more time" or the one I used was "Bills are piled up, and work is insane, you are my relief. I wish I could be with you always."
        I hope for your sake that I'm horribly, terribly incorrect, but I don't wish the uncertainty on my worst enemy. I hope you're able to find peace and get an answer.

        I would query this though. Did he ever ask you to leave your husband(wife?) for him? Have you ever actually asked him to leave his wife for you?

        • 8 months ago
          Anonymous

          I was very unhappy in my marriage but I couldn't stand the thought of going through with a divorce until I met my bf. He got me strong enough to go through with it.

        • 8 months ago
          Anonymous

          In a similar situation where I'm second choice: did she just eventually give up chasing after you? How was it resolved?

          • 8 months ago
            Anonymous

            I was with her for 5 years, before I went on a wild self-destructive streak, and came clean to my wife, and then her. I completely destroyed her life by telling her, but she's doing alright now, and even has a family. She never left anyone for me, she was just a lonely girl I was taking advantage of to soothe my own insecurities and satiate my own greed/lust. I cared about her, don't get me wrong, but she didn't 'mean' anything to me. Neither did my wife. I had both of these women at my beck and call and all I could think about was how I enjoyed the puzzle of how to make both of them continue to love me. I was a frickin monster.
            I know people who live an entire second life, have families, and children in different zipcodes as work permits, and have for years, decades. It works for some people, and many will just never really feel any remorse about it, the women will never know, and will be happy because they don't know.

            tl;dr 5 years, I told her on a self-destructive streak, shattered her psyche, she's better now.

            • 8 months ago
              Anonymous

              Appreciate the response. The girl I'm hung up on we actually did date and frick for around a year or so before covid set in and it just kind of fizzled. Then she met some frickboy and moved in with him. We've kept in touch and she opens up to me about their relationship problems constantly, but refuses to leave him and start from where we left off. I can and have gotten laid, that's not really the issue. I want to turn it off so badly.

              • 8 months ago
                Anonymous

                I'm a diagnosed narcissist so I can't really help you on that one but I can say that not being her emotional tampon is a good starting point. We can't help but feel like we're "integrated" into someone's life when they vent to us, even if they're just using us to, well, vent, because we hold them in no particular regard.

              • 8 months ago
                Anonymous

                >emotional tampon
                I know instinctively that's the right answer but then she'll do something sappy like send me pics of us back in the day and talk about how happy we looked then. It's probably just to keep me on the hook.

              • 8 months ago
                Anonymous

                It 100% is and that is absolutely something I would have done. Lemme throw this one at you.
                >"Do you remember when we [Insert day trip, maybe restaurant, maybe beach]?"
                >"One of my favorite memories of us. :)"
                she ever done that?
                Cut and fricking RUN, anon. She's manipulating you, she's using you as support because her current man will not deal with her horseshit manipulative tactics.

              • 8 months ago
                Anonymous

                Alright, I agree with you. Let me ask you one last thing because we haven't spoken since she reached out to wish me a happy bday couple weeks ago: do you think she's cognizant that's what she's doing? Like, is it completely intentional?

              • 8 months ago
                Anonymous

                And yes she absolutely has done that exact thing

                Yes. She is. She will lie and say she isn't. She is. She will lie to the ends of the earth because being considered sociopathic can quite literally ruin your life, so its natural to deny it.
                Do you think she is so mentally incompetent or dull that she doesn't know she's playing with your emotions? Did you notice she was stupid in other ways when you were together? That's the only way I can conceive she's being truthful. If she's literally moronic.

              • 8 months ago
                Anonymous

                I wouldn't say dull, more basic, but at any rate I appreciate the reality check, sir.

              • 8 months ago
                Anonymous

                >Do you think she is so mentally incompetent or dull that she doesn't know she's playing with your emotions?
                I'm not him but dude.. yes, I'd say that's what the majority of people who are in relationships with narcissists think lol. Or if they come to realize that the narcissist is fully aware of the shit they're doing, they will think there must be some "good" reason for it, you know what I mean? Like "they're just trying to protect themselves. They don't trust, but they can learn eventually :^)"

                Seriously, the mind of a narcissist is so far off of the mind of your typical person that.. it's hard to even believe it's a real thing?

              • 8 months ago
                Anonymous

                And yes she absolutely has done that exact thing

      • 8 months ago
        Anonymous

        this is like watching a plane crash in front of me holy shit

        • 8 months ago
          Anonymous

          I don't understand why you'd find it so outrageous if we genuinely live each other. I think it'd be better for him, his wife, and his kids to leave his marriage for me rather than stay with a woman he's cheating on.

      • 8 months ago
        Anonymous

        Today I learned women are perfectly happy destroying other women's marriages and even give advice on how to do it. Man I thought all this shit was just incel speak but seeing it first hand is wow.

        • 8 months ago
          Anonymous

          It’s hilarious how the other woman gets blamed for destroying the marriage. It's either /misc/cels or wives in complete denial about their husbands. Their “precious” hubbies can do no wrong, even though they make the choice to frick us on their birthdays, Mothers Day, anniversaries, holidays, when they're away at work, working hard for their household, etc. all behind THEIR back. Their husbands made vows to them, not us. Yes we know about you scorned wives, AND? Not our problem. Our relationship is with your man, not with you. It’s not our fault you’re too chicken shit to leave your cheating husband. You’re getting played for the financial security and convenience you offer to his life. We live meaningful and exciting lives with your husband, because he chooses US. But to think your husband chooses you and actually loves you??? LOL. I’ll think about that next time he’s pounding all my holes while squirting on your bed. Sorry not sorry! I’ll drain his balls and send him back to you empty. Enjoy your dead bedroom! He must “love” you so much since he’s breaking his vows every time he chooses us.

          • 8 months ago
            Anonymous

            I don't know what kind of sperg fest you're on. Not bothering reading shit you spawned out of your ass. She's literally partaking in this bullshit rather than finding literally anyone else who is actually single. If she wasn't to be good she should have told that man's wife ages ago. But no instead she's hoping this man will bail on this chick and what's even funnier is that if this dude does this for her who's to say he won't do it again with another chick. It's like you people don't fricking ever think and you keep promoting the shit thats fricking you over. I don't get it absolutely moronic.

            • 8 months ago
              Anonymous

              When the dating pool is infested with incels, autists, psychos, and every other sort of genetic pariah: it's only natural for women to find men with whom they're more compatible with already being in marriages that happen to be failing. An affair either gives a cheater more incentive to stay in his marriage by making him happier or expedites the inevitable end of it but It's easier to use adultery as a scapegoat than to admit that marriage is a failed attempt at social engineering.

              Evidently, so-called "homewreckers" do more good for society than harm.

              • 8 months ago
                Anonymous

                Hey as long as women are fully aware they do this shit to themselves.

      • 8 months ago
        Anonymous

        >I'm hoping he'll leave his wife for me. He told me early on that he didn't see much of a future for himself if he stayed in his marriage.
        You're a sucker wake up

  2. 8 months ago
    Anonymous

    >Is it normal to feel this much pain
    Yes, it's the least you deserve. Prepare to experience way worse when you go to hell.

    • 8 months ago
      Anonymous

      What? That's a horrible thing to tell somebody. I don't believe in Hell, anyway because a real loving God would never let his own children suffer forever in such a place

      • 8 months ago
        Anonymous

        > I don't believe in Hell, anyway because a real loving God would never let his own children suffer forever in such a place
        Not that OP, but the people who end up in Hell aren't God's children, they are Satan's.
        >"Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. On that day many will say to me, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many mighty works in your name?’ And then will I declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from me, you workers of lawlessness.’

        • 8 months ago
          Anonymous

          And also a warning to you OP:
          >Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders, nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.

          • 8 months ago
            Anonymous

            Do you think people get erased from existence when they aren't able to inherit the kingdom of God or do they stay on Earth as ghosts?

  3. 8 months ago
    Anonymous

    >Dead Bedroom
    protip: it isn't.

  4. 8 months ago
    Anonymous

    >My bf and his wife
    How do people say words like this and not die from utter cringe?
    >I got involved with him about 1.5yrs back, started as a rebound for my failing relationship with my ex.
    >I got divorced a month back (reasons not related to this).
    So you're both fricking cheaters. Nobody cares.

  5. 8 months ago
    Anonymous

    You shouldn't overthink things if you're choosing to mess with a married person. They will have to act in subtle and seemingly erratic ways in order to maintain secrecy.
    >Is it normal to feel this much pain. How do I handle this?
    Yes, it's perfectly normal. I'd recommend finding another man or just tanking it.
    >He said he has been contemplating divorce for a long time now. But he's the one who did all the planning, managed all the hassle with the visa process for this trip. Do you plan such an intimate getaway when you are planning for a divorce soon?
    It's impossible to know whether he's lying to you or to his spouse, which is a perennial problem in dating adulterers.
    >Is it better to go no-contact during his vacation?
    Yes, you should give him space to focus on his relationship + it's far easier for him to get caught during it.

  6. 8 months ago
    Anonymous

    You're a piece of shit

  7. 8 months ago
    Anonymous

    Oh dear...*hugs you* Please be true to yourself and your feelings. It sounds like it would be less painful to you to either go NC or ask him not to send you vacation pics or talk about the trip if you do stay in communication. If he gets upset about it, that means he cares more about himself than about your feelings.

  8. 8 months ago
    Anonymous

    The trip might not necessarily be romantic or intimate. Italy is a big country with a lot of history. Its probably gonna be a lot of learning and sightseeing. That being said no, I don’t think people who are planning a divorce plan expensive one on one trips with their SO.

    Ive never gone NC when my MM took a vacation. I don’t believe NC should be used casually and from what Ive been reading in these adultery subs it can really erode trust. I personally would only go NC with the intent to stay NC.

    You need to ask yourself what you want out of this situation, and do you think you’ll receive that. If the answer is no, it might be time to leave or set up a timeline to leave.

    • 8 months ago
      Anonymous

      Where are you reading adultery subs out of curiosity?

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